Minor Relapse?

In the name of GOD:

Lately I feel like I've been falling back into anxiety. A couple instances where I waited at night for my girlfriend to get home and she didnt text me in time cause she got caught up in a conversation with her roommates seemed to ignite the spark.

Then recently I went to watch a movie and couldn't focus because my girlfriend stopped at the store on her way back from school and I just let my mind focus on how many minutes went by and whether she should be done. It was just a really bad feeling..

GOD help me.. GOD willing I can get rid of this anxiety once and for all. Sometimes I feel like giving up my girlfriend is the only way but I could never do that, it would just kill us both, if anything. I don't feel that's the proper way of solving my own problem.

It's hard to stay busy when you feel your girlfriend needs to give you attention "all of a sudden". I have this theory that when I go into "needy mode" all of a sudden that all my girlfriend's texts/responses seem "cold" (even though she says she thought I was joking all along). I don't know.. but the way I end up seeing it is that she just doesn't care enough (or I tell myself maybe shes trying to make me "stronger").

ugh...

GOD help me.

Feel good!

In case anyone reads this in the future, I just wanted to update on my progress.

I guess with enough distraction and mental practice, I was able to stop worrying. Thank GOD! I admit that I do stay up Friday nights until my girlfriend gets home but I normally stay up anyway. Plus, the time I stay up, I'm not WORRYING and anxiously waiting for her text.

GOD is doing everything :)

Another Update..!

Here I am again..

So far things have been well, and I can only thank GOD for that really. If we, as human beings, are ready to really make the initiative to get well, GOD will help us in that direction if He wills.

I don't know what to say exactly. I have gotten a lot better, I think. Part of it, I give credit to doing more of the right thing. I am not there 100%, and I have also noticed that I am not 100% well but pretty good!

I still worry about things sometimes. Mostly about my girlfriend being safe. I don't know why I am so worried about that problem, especially since I also have sisters and a little brother that I hardly worry about as much. I feel like my girlfriend/fiancée is something very close to my heart (Of course I care about my family, it just never occurred to me to worry about them and I hope it never does!), and I am not sure if a psychologist would say it's because I consider her as something that "I possess", but I really want her safe. I feel a sense of responsibility over her. I think I am starting to understand why my mother worries so much when any one of us is out of the house, and that has made me feel bad for staying out late all the time.

Sometimes, the fact that there is a lot of evil in this world gets to me, and it makes me worry that my fiancée, out of billions of other people on the earth, would get into danger. Funny thing is, before I use to worry like this she had been in danger (someone attempted to mug her and failed), and I'm not sure if that's just subconsciously haunting me or what. GOD willing she just gets a day job, instead of at night, and that solves most of the problem. Though, I really want to be free of this worry without that.

:)
Praise be to GOD, Lord of the Universe.

So far so good :)

This is just another update for 3-24-10. So far I have been doing pretty well. I feel like my life is starting to change around. I've been avoiding suspicious thoughts and always trying to distract myself. Getting back into playing a game seems to help GOD willing as long as I don't become obsessed which ends up having the reverse affect. Good job me! :)

Quick Update

So far I have been doing pretty well. Once in a while I get anxious over something (especially since some problems at school made a bunch of us nervous and anxious about what was going to happen). I get disappointed when I let myself "overthink" something and then I start getting a little anxious telling myself "what is something happened to her?" (in my girlfriend's case) but I always remind myself that it is silly and instead of even thinking about how silly it is I try to move on.

GOD willing I'll do better with time!

Pillar Nine- The Final Pillar

Before doing the last visualization and reading Pillar 9 I went over a quick recap of the Pillars:

• PILLARS:
• Pillar 1- STOP VISITING EVERY PRACTITIONER YOU CAN FIND
  
• Pillar 2- TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT STOPPING YOUR MEDICATION
  
• Pillar 3- STOP RESEARCHING YOUR CONDITION


• Pillar 4- ONLY FOLLOW THIS METHOD


• Pillar 5- STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR CONDITION


• Pillar 6- STOP LEANING ON OTHER PEOPLE


• Pillar 7- DON'T HOLD ONTO MEMORIES OF YOUR CONDITION


• Pillar 8- DIVERT YOUR MIND- MAKE IT YOUR NEW HABIT- ALWAYS!

Now this is where I stop and truly digest this information, it is very important to eliminating anxiety. Pillars 1-2 do not really apply to me since I have not visited a doctor about this or taken any medication but the rest are still very important. Now that I feel I have fully absorbed those Pillars, here is Pillar 9:

• PILLAR 9
• STOP ACCOMMODATING YOUR ANXIETY

Don't let your daily routines REVOLVE AROUND YOUR ANXIETY. This is just giving your anxiety a reason to sit back and know that it has it easy. Make it a challenge for your anxiety so you can ultimately defeat it. Eventually your subconscious will be re-trained and you will learn to become anxious in situations that actually call for it - YOUR SITUATION DOES NOT CALL FOR IT! STOP TELLING YOURSELF IT DOES!

I hope from here on to read the rest of the book and listen to the other goodies that came with it about Phobias/Anxiety Eliminators/Etc.

PS: As I was writing this I was 'subconsciously' worried about my girlfriend responding to my texts and getting home from work safe GOD willing. Right as I am finishing up, I get a text: SHE IS HOME AND FINE! This is why distraction is truly important, don't take it from me (even though I am just another "patient" here), CHANGE YOUR LIFE NOW! (I am not saying buy the Linden Method, I just want YOU to get BETTER because I know how great it is starting to feel!)

I hope to keep this updated in the future about future readings and progress, cheers!

Pillar Eight

Today I read Pillar Eight. Thank goodness, only one more visualization to listen to and then I read the last pillar and the rest of the book.

Pillar Eight

• DISTRACT YOURSELF ALWAYS
• Get into HEALTHY habits, such as arts and crafts, going out with friends, exercise, etc
• FILL EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY

One specific tip mentioned was to go to sleep at night in your quiet moments if you can't distract yourself (but even then you should put on loud music and sing along or whatever). Now for me the whole problem was I felt I couldn't sleep until my girlfriend was home safe and sound (which doesn't happen till 12-1am) but even while staying up I am bearing with it a lot better.

I must say though, I FEEL THIS HAS BEEN WORKING. I am not a "Linden Method" promoter I am just someone who, honestly decided to try this out myself, without consulting anyone, and it just makes sense. It's something for those who don't know how to give themselves the right tips to help them move in the right direction. DISTRACTION has been one of the most useful things to me against worry. I know that I have a problem, RECOGNIZING that is very important, but because I know, I also am able to fight it. When I start worrying I think of pizza most the time and it helps, oddly enough.

Find your own distraction. Tell yourself there is nothing to worry about. Remember how many people live in peace though they are in much more volatile situations. Put your trust in GOD, imagine yourself placing whatever you worry about into God's hands, or some beam of light, whatever works for you!

Pillar Seven

Pillar Seven:

• DON'T HOLD ON TO MEMORIES OF YOUR CONDITION
• This includes not going into detail about how you "defeated your condition"
• You must allow the subconscious to let go of these memories, if you hold on/imagine/dwell on them you will never LET THEM GO!

So far The Linden Method makes sense. It's almost like teaching you to let go of your ex-girlfriend. As soon as you forget about her and focus on what is ahead of you, you move on. You will keep telling yourself anyway, "but she was the only one for me, I'll never find someone else, etc etc" but these thoughts are BAD. Even if you feel you can JUSTIFY these thoughts, in the great scheme of things, they hold you back! Whether or not you are meant to be together again, dwelling on the subject is NEVER A PLUS.

______________________________________________________
In other news, life has felt a little better. Particularly today I am cheering up more, thank GOD. I try to go out to eat with classmates more (all of us geeks) and I know I need to get out of the house more or else I start to be repelled against going out into the outside world.

Also, more importantly, I am worrying less about my girlfriend. I need to remember GOD and put her in GOD's hands. There have been a few occasions already where I did not worry 50% as much as I did when she was going home from work or school like before, and I feel that is an achievement!

Pillar 6

Today I went through Pillar 6. Of course I did the visualization which has become a little troublesome for me, I just want to skip it sometimes. Maybe it would be better if I had a more comfortable place to do it I suppose.

So Pillar 6 says:

• STOP LEANING ON OTHERS
• Remember that trying to get comfort through someone else is temporary
• This has never solved the problem, you need to look within yourself and FIND YOUR SOLUTION

I'm getting kinda anxious (oops bad term) to start reading the book itself rather than just the Pillars but I'm almost there. I've felt "OK" too long I suppose so I haven't been keeping up with the Pillars even though they should have all been done by now.

As for how I am doing, today I feel went by fine. Nothing too spectacular (with work and school life can't be too special anyway). Overall, though, OK is better than negative feelings. Once or twice worry tried to creep up on me and I did my best to employ the idea to LET IT COME IN. In fact, what I do is challenge it! I say come on! You need to come in, this needs to be at it's worst so I can get over it. Miraculously the feeling goes away, and using this method it never got to the point where it really bothered me.

I will keep trying this to see if it helps me avoid depression/anxiety, GOD willing. I am amazed myself at how it's going to be honest. I feel like a human being can master their subconscious mind! :)

Pillar Five

I have to admit at this point I kind of wish I could skip the visualization and go straight to reading the pillars, but I want to do this right so I'm gonna keep up with it. Besides I only have 4 more pillars to read.

Pillar Five says:

    
• AVOID TALKING ABOUT YOUR CONDITION<li>
      
• The more you talk about your condition, the more you feed your subconscious mind, YOU are telling it SOMETHING IS WRONG!  

A great example that was used is of a time you may have had a failed relationship. You keep talking about that person, thinking about that person, FEEDING the problem. You notice once you learn to stop thinking about it, the pain goes away. He says once you find someone to replace your EX, as an example, all of a sudden it's easier to forget about them. You've changed focus. There are many similar situations but the key is to use whatever works best for you to AVOID the condition, until your mind has trained enough to let it go and replace it with a better thought.

In other news,  I feel like I have been doing better. Part of it may have been the Linden Method, GOD willing. But also, it has prompted me to keep myself busy. I've joined some discussion forums which help me keep my mind busy. I might play a game or watch cartoons to stay busy as well. The past couple days I asked my girlfriend to text me once she arrived at work (keep in mind her apartment is half a mile from work), and she forgot to text me until later that night but, thank GOD, I did not panic. I told myself that I would wait. I said I would give it a couple hours and wait for the text, and as much as my mind WANTED to doubt it would come, I stayed away from that thought, and sure enough, it came much earlier than expected. I need to learn to trust GOD, trust life, trust the way things go. Gradually I feel that I will move on GOD willing :)

Pillar Four

Tonight I read the 4th Pillar.

The Fourth Pillar basically says:

• Don't Use Any Other Method Besides the Linden Method
And before you think it's a way of getting customers hooked (like I thought), Linden goes on to say:
• This is not to "decry" (discredit) other methods but instead to help you focus on one method
• The Linden Method is meant to suppress the habitual anxiety and replace it with a healthy habit whereas a therapist may purposely have you bring OUT that anxiety to defeat it
• In Summary, too many methods is a no-no, it just causes confusion!
:) Let's keep working at it guys, we can get over this thing holding us down! Write about it, I definitely encourage it, it helps! It doesn't have to be on a computer ( I like computers so I type). Some people may prefer writing in a journal (I hate my handwriting so I don't hehe). Cheers!

Pillar Three

Tonight feeling a little down and anxious I decided to go on and read Pillar Three after Two since Two was about not taking medicine and I don't take any medicine.

As usual, I started with the "Nine Pillars Visualization" which is Mr. Linden talking to you as you try to relax as much as possible and you image your subconscious as a "cloud in a blue sky" and you give it reassuring words to make it bigger (then I imagine it coming back into my mind).

I went on to read the third pillar which says:

  
• DO NOT RESEARCH YOUR ANXIETY CONDITION
      
• Don't go to the library to read about it
  
• Don't talk to anyone about it
  
• After reading The Linden Method Manual put it away
  
• There is a section named "Physiology of Anxiety" which Linden says NOT to read and in fact it is a test for you to see if you can overcome wanting to read it

This seems to be good advice, and let me say why... In the past I use to do things that would make me worry until a time came where I was "cleared" of that worry because at a certain point I'd find out, as a fact, that I was worrying about nothing. I did this repeatedly over the course of a year or two not learning from my mistake.

Whenever I started to worry, I'd "google it". I did so much googling, and some answers I found made me feel better, but I wouldn't stop there, I'd keep googling and find answers that didn't make me feel so good. Thank GOD after all this time I am not too worried about that "thing" anymore but it was really a horrible thing to go through month after month.

This is why I hope that avoiding "thinking, researching, asking" about anxiety will make it seem, in the end, like a condition that never existed. Something we made in our minds, but it never really existed..

Pillar Two

Today I felt a little down though I think I'm doing "O.K" (some people in my state might not even recognize they are depressed, it's kinda border line).

I finally read Pillar Two. Turns out it was about gradually coming off your Depression/Anxiety medication.

!THIS IS NOT TELLING ANYONE WHO IS TAKING MEDICATION TO IMMEDIATELY COME OFF THEIR MEDICATION, PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR FIRST!

Thank GOD, I am not taking medicine so I'll wait until Pillar 3 =)

Also took a walk today which felt pretty nice. And a nap...! Which I haven't taken in quite a while but it seemed to help as well. I really want a dog, I think it would be a good form of "therapy" for me but it's not going well with my mother unfortunately. I even offered to pay a big sum of my sister's debt if she said it was ok =(

Until next time!

Progress Past Friday

So Friday just went by, one of the nights I usually worry about my girlfriend getting home. I'm starting to learn more about my mental illness. I have to get myself totally absorbed in something or I wont forget about what it is I am worried about.

In this case I was really into a school project I was working on trying to figure out some things and found myself worrying a lot less about my girlfriend even though I was "aware" that she was coming home late at night. It was a very comfortable feeling, thank GOD. That night I worried a little but a lot less than how much I usually worry.

Thing is, I don't always have something to absorb myself in, especially so late at night. I'll keep working on this, cheers!

Condition Update

It's Wednesday today. Regretfully I have not looked into the Second Pillar. Last night I stayed up playing a game, probably too long but my girlfriend was really enjoying the game as well and I couldn't say no even though I knew I'd have to wake up really late to make up for it.

So I received a call around noon from her seeing if I was awake yet so I got up and went to work. I guess I felt OK and I was hoping to see her later since she had a day off and I didn't have school that night either.

I don't know if it's because my day's are "thrown off" but I felt depressed upon arrival to her place. It's just these nights when it's still warm, I should love these nights but they give me a weird feeling like a bad memory being pulled from my subconscious or something. It's like the only way to get rid of my problems is to forget about past occurrences of being depressed whether because I was worried about something or whatever other reason it may have been that I was depressed at the time.

I don't know, I just don't have drive in life like some people do. Don't get me wrong I am going to a university (and almost done) and I have an internship but I feel like the future is kinda pointless. I know it's my problem though and, God willing, a way to get rid of this feeling will come but in the meantime all I can do is try to forget or fight it. I'm starting to wonder if I have some condition and when I'm tired it translates into being depressed. Anyway I hope to read the Second Pillar when I get some time and write about it here.

Over - and - out.

Day Two

I have to say after getting up today I do feel better. Deep inside my brain it feels like something is wrong but my mood is much better. I am actively trying to avoid thoughts that may hinder me such as worrying about a loved one.

Speaking of worrying, that seems to be one of my big problems. See my girlfriend lives nearby and we've been together for a few years now. She works very close to her apartment but when she leaves work at 12:30am or 1am sometimes (this is usually Friday when I'm worried the most) I always feel like I have to stay up and make sure she got home safely. Though chances say nothing is going to happen to her (and nothing has) I still worry. Maybe it's because once long ago, before she had a car, she was walking home from another job and right before she got inside her apartment complex someone tried to steal her purse. I wonder if that is playing upon my unconscious thoughts and making me paranoid.

Anyway, whenever some evil thought enters my brain I try to distract it by seeking refuge in God, finding work to do, etc. but it's not as easy as it may seem sometimes. I admit it is helping, thank God but I still need to correct a lot about myself before I feel I "deserve" to feel good again. I know it sounds silly, maybe it's just my brain's way of making me a good person (I'm not saying I'm BAD).

Anyway I hope to look into the "Second Pillar" today and do the relaxation exercise again, even though I think doing it in the morning might be better. Cheers!

The First Pillar

Tonight around 8-9pm or so on a Sunday (seems to be my most vulnerable day of the week) I decided to look into a program I acquired called "The Linden Method". Some claim this is "95% effective" to battling anxiety (I suppose depression as well) so I thought it wouldn't hurt to try.

I actually got this program a while back but haven't paid much attention to it. Every time I "feel better" I just forget about it and move on with my days but after tonight I felt I needed to train my subconscious to listen to me a little more, God willing.

After an introduction by Charles Linden, I read on and got to the "First Pillar" of the Nine Pillars. To familiarize the reader with how the program starts out, you have nine "pillars" to 'overcome' (<--- the way i see it) and you read 1 pillar each day accompanied by the "Nine Pillars" audio visualization. Sounds like one of those hypnosis things doesn't it? Well before you discard the program I have to say that I was afraid of that myself after listening to the first piece of audio. I mean, "visualization" already gives you the impression something crazy is going on, but is more 'normal' than you think. Then again, the way our mind works is considered far from 'normal.'

Moving on.. The program is starting to pull me in a little more than I thought it would back when I was listening to a listening exercise here and there. The process of "conquering a pillar, one day at a time" is far more appealing to me than "reading a book and getting well".

Here's a summary of the First Pillar:

    
• Thoughts are like trying to "unlearn" how to drive a car. After 3 months it may feel a little odd but you can still hop in the car and drive. If someone tells you to drive a forklift for a year and avoid cars completely it might be a lot weirder to get back in and drive for many. Same with thoughts, you need to actively practice "distracting" yourself from debilitating (bringing you down) types of thoughts.
    
• Actively try to surpress thoughts that make you anxious or depressed. One way quoted as doing this is by 'listening to loud music, singing along, talking to a friend on the phone but NOT MENTIONING ANXIETY'

So I am hoping to try this starting now and throughout tomorrow before reading about the Second Pillar..

Easy does it... *breathe in 4 seconds, breathe out 6 seconds*

A World of Depression!

Greetings everyone,

If you're here you probably did a search on anxiety or depression and, because something called a "web crawler" found my page and decided it matched, you were routed here. Well let me tell you exactly what this blog is about.

I am starting this blog tonight, at 10:52pm PST (the time now) because today I had a random bout of depression and anxiety and have decided I've had it.

Odd thing is, of all days to be depressed, this sure is an odd one! I mean after having rain 2-3 days a week per week for the past 2-3 weeks we have a BEAUTIFUL sunny day. It was about 80 degrees outside and upon waking up my mood didn't feel like this at all. I think I even remember telling myself how much it would suck to have a day like this ruined, maybe that struck into my subconscious mind and made it a reality, like a Twilight Zone episode, haha.

Anyway I hope blogging about my progress will not only help me (though this is currently my priority) but also others get a jump start on battling depression and anxiety. Today, I have come to accept the fact that being depressed and anxious is not something you can get rid of in a day or a week or even a month in most cases. But I see it this way: I have two options:

  
• Stay depressed hoping it's just something that is happening today and, as always, tomorrow I'll be back to feel "OK"
  
• Begin the fight against anxiety and depression and, although it may take much time, 2 years from now if I am finally rid of it God willing I can say "Yeah it took a while, but it was better than just being sad randomly whenever my mood decides to change". I want a PERMANENT fix. I want to be stronger. I want to feel BETTER!

In an effort to keep things clean I will start a new post about what I did tonight to help combat this "disease", as I see it.